Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Yup
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.