Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
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they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine