Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
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video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Plant care tips
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.