Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
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They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
The three genders.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”