Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

I am also baked goods

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.