Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
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Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.