Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

this chia pet tastes awful

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”