Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
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Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.