Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
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PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
Expect the unexporcupine.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
This a good idea
