Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
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Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Orange cat behavior 😂
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.