Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
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Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
seems like a niche market
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend