Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
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Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Fidel Castro was alive?
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
#Thanos #MondayMood
A great first step 😂
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
The answer is funnier than the question
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Not today
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir