a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”SeanINCypress”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3585747127/351e3f95d36ba496cf8af16930da7d2f_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”196342135564410882″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”134″;s:5:”tweet”;s:136:”Being a doctor was awesome a thousand years ago. Back ache? Drill a hole in your head, let the demon out. Headache? Drill. Fever? Drill.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

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There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.


So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay


[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress


You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself


Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this


It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.


My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.


married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me


her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking