Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
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Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
True
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god