Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
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Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”