Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
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My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip