Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
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Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I have never heard an armadillo before.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.