Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
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Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Never forget.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel