Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
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‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails