Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
You Might Also Like
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.