being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
