Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

😂🤣😂🤣

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!