Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
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Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Single and childfree like Jesus
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?