Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

who called it hell and not heaven’t

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

I am putting on so many clothes

*cold weather sext

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.