Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years