Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
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Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Poetry is my passion
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*