Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.