Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
![]()
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
My birthstone is kidney
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
![]()
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*