Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
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It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
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first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
won’t smith
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is