Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
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Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
me working on my assignments ^-^
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?