Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Planet of the Apps.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face