Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.