being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
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I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Did I do this right
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
new year update: losing everything but weight
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”