Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

I love wikipedia

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …