Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
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“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
Just as the prophecy foretold
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Covid like
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’