Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like