Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
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Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
choose your gary
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.