Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
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I’m crying im so happy for them
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!