Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

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DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops


DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini



Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach


I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.


Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?


Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out


Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon


When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.


Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.


victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again