Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
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Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*