A Nicki Minaj song makes way more sense if you make up your own lyrics.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
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DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Cop: what? no 72
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again