Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
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Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
How do you like your Corgi?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked