Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

OKAY DAD

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn’t work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don’t want to have sex with you

Me: It always works

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.