@Midgetspar

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

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@slaughthie

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

@inmybox07

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

@david8hughes

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

@KalvinMacleod

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

@whosnutstoo

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

@DestryBrod

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

@ArfMeasures

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

@caseytduncan

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

@WilliamAder

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.