Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
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Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.