Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin