Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

“OK men, spread out.”

“Oat?”

“What?”

“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”

“Dammit.”

Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?