Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
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Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order