being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
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Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
courtroom exchange of the day
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me