being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
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My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.