Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
You Might Also Like
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
You are not alone 💚
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots