Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
