being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
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BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Oops
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
