being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
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“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Got ya covered
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Put the is in disheveled
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.