being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
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I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.