Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

I gave my kids one last chance to stop playing with their whistle in the house.

But they blew it.

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

Oh the world we live in…

Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi