Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
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If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top