Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
You Might Also Like
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Good morning.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.