Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.