Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

Haha! 😂

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant