Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
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Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
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I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.