Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling