Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
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At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.