Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

“just sayin” who asked you though?

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.