Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
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What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
What if the weather talks about us?
I put the mess in domestic.