Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
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#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.