Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
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The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.