Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!