Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
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There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
That eye roll….
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating