Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
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You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.