Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
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I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”