Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Thaw me like one of your french fries

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

i now pronounce you bounced.

always be there

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Taco Bell, Exit 22

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.