Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
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My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
no one ever comes back
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base