Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
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I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN