@mommy_cusses

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

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@Goggner

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

@Mikecanrant

When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put “lame shorts” and nothing happened

@panmidwest

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

@TheHyyyype

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

@djdarrellripley

Her: I noticed you’re wearing one green sock, and one red sock.

Me: Yea, I’ve got another pair just like these at home…

@JermHimselfish

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

@MarkusJ

*first astronaut lands on Mars*
NASA: How does it feel son?
Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band

@SaltyCorpse

You think your life is uncomfortable?

My gynecologist lives four doors down from me.