@mommy_cusses

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

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@merseytart

Woman on CNN talking about London’s streets being eerily quiet. Mate, it’s Sunday. They’re not cowering in fear, they’re having a lie in.

@MissHavisham

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

@LuvPug

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

@rationalists

Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.

@SamuelHLowe

I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.

@SadPeruna

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

@DailyAdviser

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards