IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
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Woman on CNN talking about London’s streets being eerily quiet. Mate, it’s Sunday. They’re not cowering in fear, they’re having a lie in.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.
I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Twilight and Hostess are over. It’s a sad day for fat girls.
You call it lightning. I call it targeted airstrikes.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards