Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
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Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else