Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

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Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?


When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put “lame shorts” and nothing happened



DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know


ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography


Her: I noticed you’re wearing one green sock, and one red sock.

Me: Yea, I’ve got another pair just like these at home…


Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.


*first astronaut lands on Mars*
NASA: How does it feel son?
Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band


You think your life is uncomfortable?

My gynecologist lives four doors down from me.