Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
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So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
me linking you to my twitter
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
How many? 🤔
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…