Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.