Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
You Might Also Like
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.