Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

They got a point!

What flavor cupcake are these

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together