Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

Creative Problem Solving

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐