Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house