Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
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Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
How actors in movies eat their food
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”